splat!

It’s one of those nights. This is the kind of night where I know that, no matter how hard I try, sleep is not coming for me, so I might as well resign myself to the idea that I am going to be keeping my eyes open all night long. The good thing is that I am trying to spin my insomnia into inspiration, which is probably why I pointed over to WordPress; a blog isn’t much, but it is better than keeping these words in my head.

I’m not sure what’s been going on lately. I’m nineteen, but I might as well be thiry and fourteen, all at the same time. In four months my boyfriend is going to be twenty. Twenty! I know that you are supposed to have a mid-life crisis when you turn forty, that this is when you are “over the hill,” but I also feel that it is completely justifiable to feel the loss of your teen years as well. Twenty! My Lord, that number is so large. Two whole decades will he have lived. And then exactly six months later, I will have, too. Maybe it’s just me, but this doesn’t feel like one of those moments where you quietly contemplate the mysteries of life, it seems like the biggest “what the fuck” moment any of us have had to face as of yet, especially since, two days afterwards, it will seem like the smallest wonder in the world.

My therapist says that people my age are self-centered. Well, <i>duh.</i> Adolescence is the time in your life when it feels as though all of creation holds its breath in anticipation of your fate, whether it be glory or certain death. And for me, the latter part seems more of a reality than for many. I’m not being morbid, I’m just being realistic – as someone who is manic depressive, I am not exactly a stranger to thoughts of suicide. The good thing is that these thoughts are usually balanced out by times where the idea of time and space stopping for me and going on for other people is inconcievable. The irony of being bipolar – the idea of balance… I remember vividly, being a freshman in High School, preparing for the summer and becoming a Peer Leader, and my friend Lauren telling me to look for a girl named Kelly because she was “balanced” and that was exactly what I needed in my life, according to Lauren. And so I sought for balance, and prayed for it.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I do like nineteen. When you’re eighteen, this is amazing for the precious few moments that you are still in High School; even if it is months, these are still moments in your mind. At this limbo in time, you are a rock star in the hallways, the royalty of your school, and there is a sort of immortality that you embrace every day. On the day of my class’ senior picnic, I still remember the fervored speed I savored with my friend on the highway home. We found out not a half hour later that, not far behind us, a few of our classmates who were also speeding had crashed and died. Maybe this is when being eighteen stopped meaning so much. Nineteen has been much nicer; you stop feeling so small next to your older friends that you have met in college, and you have a better idea of where you are going in life. Or, if you are me, you have finally come to terms with the reality that you will never truly know where you are going or what is going to happen, so you might as well enjoy what’s going on.

Not that I’ll ever be able to stop questioning things. But that is what makes life delicious.

And now that I have purged, it is back to watching Sex and The City. Who bets that I can get through the entire series in less than a week? Looks like I’ll be blogging more and more each night. Stay tuned, I suppose; I have a therapy appointment later in the week and a job interview, so words might just tumble away out of me.

all those colors that I never knew

This has been one of the craziest weeks of, like, ever. Saturday I hung out with Maleah’s family. Their son, Sean, is the cutest boy I have ever seen in my entire life! And her daughter, Riley, is even cuter. They both adore me and I love them like mad. Her fiance, Eric, is so much fun. He found out I had never had any alcohol, so they remedied that by buying me coconut rum and fruit punch. I only had half a shot, and I managed to hold it together around them while playing Mario Baseball, but then I went home, called Adderly and made an ass out of myself. So basically I had the appropriate first-taste-of-alcohol experience.

I gave an interpretive speech on Monday. When I was a Junior, I had the most amazing teacher in the world for English, Miss Judith Edwards. She and I were soul sisters like you wouldn’t believe. Her first assignment to us was to memorize a poem and recite it in class, but I wussied out and never did it. She died that Christmas Eve. So, I decided to make it up to her and recite the poem I memorized, as freedom is a breakfastfood by e. e. cummings. I think it went over well?

Adderly and I are going on our first date next weekend. Since I couldn’t give blood today (WAY TO BE ANEMIC, BLOOD) we’re going to go together next Saturday. Because we’re cute, basically.

Today on campus they were filming a scene from CSI, so I got to see Sara Sidle from San Francisco. Then, Jackie and I found out that the English graduate students were selling selling books, two for a dollar. So, basically, this was the best day ever. Oh! And we found a random CD in the middle of one of the books. We’re listening to it now, but we can’t find out who it IS. We think it’s a random garage band. All we know is that it is amazing.

Best. Day. Ever.

all of its preciousness

Today I had my first college performance. It was easy-peasy, since it was just simple marches for music appreciation classes, but it was still nice. This is just the beginning of my college performing career.

I called my old Peer Leadership advisor, Mr. Wright, on the way to school. Yesterday I called him in the afternoon, and he sounded stressed out and tired, and then he told me about as much. This morning we put my cell number on the board so anybody can call me if they need to, and I told him to take care of himself, and he said he is trying. I really hope that he isn’t lying to me. That man needs it. So, right now I’m working on “chillax” mixes for both Mr. Wright and my old band director, Mr. Morton. Different mixes, obviously, because they are both completely different, haha.

I miss those men in my life. Like, a lot.

Maleah and I hung out today, and will probably do it again tomorrow since all of my roommates are gone for the weekend. It’s so weird, knowing that I am the only one in the dorm.  For some reason, I project a weekend of eating, sleeping, reading, TV, and Pokemon.

Now playing: Rufus Wainwright – Rebel Prince